Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Randomize
