My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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