Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Randomize
