I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
