There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
