Well douche your snatch and let's go!
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
