Oh man dude like 1000 to 1500 milligrams. Its gonna burn like bad though.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
