sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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