we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Randomize
