I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
3 2 1 whiskey
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize
