i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
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