I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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