If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
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He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
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Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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