Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Randomize
