This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
