If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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