I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
