Hey man sorry I got all grabby
covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
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We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
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I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize