Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
