My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
