i want to swaddle you in tequila
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
