she looked like the before picture.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize