how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
