I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.