I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
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