I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
