you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
