FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
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Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
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Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.