I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.