Texts From Last Night

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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone

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  (201): now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone http://tfl.nu/mcch
  Replies (19) Good night (793) Bad night (4195)
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  (707): View more from California

  you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!

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  (707): you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?! http://tfl.nu/ug5x
  Replies (17) Good night (3774) Bad night (723)
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.

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  (410): There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to. http://tfl.nu/sxdr
  Replies (17) Good night (1394) Bad night (5872)
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  (714): View more from California

  My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.

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  (714): My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win. http://tfl.nu/b8se
  Replies (15) Good night (5423) Bad night (1370)
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it

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  (412): I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it http://tfl.nu/8y6r
  Replies (10) Good night (2665) Bad night (838)
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  (802): View more from Vermont

  Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade

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  (802): Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade http://tfl.nu/ve1a
  Replies (22) Good night (2106) Bad night (3458)
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  (931): View more from Tennessee

  Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.

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  (931): Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex. http://tfl.nu/b52l
  Replies (10) Good night (2857) Bad night (1032)
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  (502): View more from Kentucky

  New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.

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  (502): New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday. http://tfl.nu/wghi
  Replies (6) Good night (2143) Bad night (920)
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.

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  (703): I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer. http://tfl.nu/bgxs
  Replies (8) Good night (2784) Bad night (736)
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  (845): View more from New York

  Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?

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  (845): Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do? http://tfl.nu/0iqf
  Replies (5) Good night (811) Bad night (1170)
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  (252): View more from North Carolina

  I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds

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  (252): I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds http://tfl.nu/g7b7
  Replies (5) Good night (1101) Bad night (750)
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  (408): View more from California

  My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine

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  (408): My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine http://tfl.nu/4len
  Replies (5) Good night (356) Bad night (560)
• Favorite

  (716): View more from New York

  You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.

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  (716): You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest. http://tfl.nu/draf
  Replies (2) Good night (386) Bad night (264)
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic

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  (508): He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic http://tfl.nu/r3d6
  Replies (0) Good night (527) Bad night (239)
• Favorite

  (970): View more from Colorado

  You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.

  (1-970): View more from Colorado

  Haahahahahahhaaa

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  (970): You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed. (1-970): Haahahahahahhaaa http://tfl.nu/4fhz
  Replies (3) Good night (390) Bad night (108)

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