I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.