I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet