The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
25 People Didn’t Realize They Were Talking To Someone Famous
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
21 People Tragically Stumbled Upon A Dead Body
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.