apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
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