Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
