he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
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