I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
what day is it and did you see me today?
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
