After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Randomize
