How'd it feel making her break her religion?
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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