How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
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