Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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