i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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