I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
