so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
There's a naked man in my car right now.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
