I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
