phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Randomize
