which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
