if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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