i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
