I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Randomize
