Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
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