the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
Randomize
