Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize