It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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