my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Redeem this text for a blowjob
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
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