i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
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I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
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Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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