i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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