My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
