you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
