Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Randomize
