bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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