She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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